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and it really affected me. I have many goals and aspirations, I care about world issues and women's rights and yet, I find that I am constantly apologizing for myself. I am always including qualifiers in my sentences and speaking as if my goals are insignificant. By the way I speak and the things I say few people would identify me as a person of strong opinion or passion.
In my soul I have such ambition and so many plans for my life- education, family, career, and gospel-centered desires, and yet when I try to open my mouth... little comes out. What does come out rarely gives justice to the thoughts in my head. I have often been guilty of saying I am "just" a student, I "just" go to BYU, I am "just" single. I constantly hear women around me apologizing when they have an idea. As I sit and listen to discussions in my classes women are constantly saying "this is 'just' my opinion or 'just' my idea. I just want to get up and say "YOU ARE AWESOME!" and 'YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HAVE AND SHARE IDEAS!" ...but I don't...because I am "just" a girl.
I have to say before I go on that I grew up in an amazing family that knew the value of a woman. Every Sunday dinner that I can remember has ended in a lively discussion on one topic or another and I was never made to feel that my opinion did not count. I grew up with a mother who stood as my role model. She had passions, she cared about the world, but most importantly she cared about her family. In my home, women were respected. My father set the example and my brothers followed. My parents encouraged me to work hard in school and reach for my dreams, whether that was science, engineering, English, sports, anything. I feel blessed to have been raised in such a home.
So why do I still feel this pressure to apologize for my ideas? Why am I still so hesitant to speak up? Those who know me or have talked to me know that I am soft-spoken. From a very young age I have always been more comfortable on the side rather than in the center. As someone who has a lot of ideas this is a very frustrating situation! In the end I am often so frustrated that I didn't say anything. I know that the things I have to say are of worth but I don't speak up.
I realize that I am a mosaic. My lack of verbal skills do not only stem from my society. Clearly not all women are quiet and many women have shared their thoughts which have changed the world. However, there still remains a trend in LDS women that they step back, that they don't say what is on their mind or what is in their heart. Their dreams and goals are not verbalized because of fear.
I also do not blame men. I support the priesthood fully and I do not blame my faith for my silence. I believe that God doesn't want His daughters to be silent. I have no desire to silence any man's voice either. "There is not a zero-sum game being played between men and women in which if women are elevated, then men are debased" (Husdon et al.) Both men and women were placed on the earth to give their thoughts, ideas and inspirations. Both are to blame if one or the other is silenced. Women, like men, have something worth saying and they deserve a voice.
I have been especially inspired this semester by one of my professors. She is one of the most influential and powerful mentors I have ever had as a student and has helped me to realize that I can reach my potential. My desires to change the world and help others are from God and are worthy goals. I know family comes first but I also know that in my life I will help others beyond my own family. She told me to stop apologizing for speaking up and to stop qualifying my thoughts. Through her I am slowly learning that there is a difference between being humble, being Christ-like, and being silent. Obedience and loyalty is different than blind submission. I want other LDS women to realize that their voice is important, vital even. God gives truth to both man and woman, he uses both as instruments in His hands.
And so, to finish, I am making a goal. I want to make it public so as to have all the people I love and know help remind me. I want to speak up! I want to share my opinions. I want to consecrate the talents, thoughts, ideas and inspirations that God has given me to help His children. So no, I am not 'just' a girl. I am a neuroscience major. I want to be a mother. I am a feminist. I have a strong desire to study, to learn and change peoples lives for the better. I am a GIRL and I am a daughter of God.
