Here's to a Year of Confusion

With changes both personal and societal, and a difficulty grasping my own future, this year seems to be ending on a note of confusion. And so, as it comes to an end, I say... here's to a year of incredible confusion. Things did not go as expected and my next steps seem a lot more unclear. And yet, the beautiful thing about confusion is that despite the external haze, the most essential elements of life remain. I wish to pay tribute to those constants in my life which admittedly were not always my first consideration when confusion hit but were still my much needed light when I felt I had lost my way. 

The beauty of nature. 

One of the most incredible experiences for me this year was the opportunity I had to go to Iceland. That trip was one I hope never to forget. Beyond the incredible beauty and feelings of empowerment, being at the foot of such incredible natural power reminded me of my Savior. I was able to recognize a world beyond myself which was ruled by a loving Heavenly Father. I felt without a doubt that things will work out. The time I have spent in God's creations this year have been the most peaceful and clear in the midst of the confusion of daily life and decisions. The temple, as one of His creations has also been a beacon of clarity and a much needed relief.

A belief in the goodness of people.

This year we have witnessed, mostly second hand, the real consequences of hate. We have seen many people experience fear, loss and violence as a result of confusion. And yet, in opposition to that hated, I have developed a greater belief in people's goodness. I have seen people reach out in love and support. This Christmas season, I have seen so many sincere acts of charity. There will always be hypocrisy, I certainly experience a degree if it myself, but there is power in recognizing the good in others and their sincere desire to help. I believe my hope is no longer a naive ignorance to individual's problems but a real acknowledgement of people's resilience. I still believe in the ability for individuals and societies to change because I have that hope in the goodness of people. Despite the confusion I hope I am never blinded to the goodness.

Family. 

When it comes to families, I certainly lucked out. I have an incredible family. In the midst of this year of confusion, I have been able to see the simple yet powerful impact of a loving family. I have seen the eternal gift that is a family bound together by something beyond temporal love. This bond is the sealing power which goes beyond the family that I know in this life. It ties me to those who have come before and those that will come after. It gives meaning to my life and my family. So when the confusion comes, that binding chain to my family past and present gives me direction that I can feel more than I can know. 

My God.

God's unceasing love and mercy continue to astound me. I find it amazing that despite my shortcomings, He continues to reach out a loving hand. I have stumbled on my way but I still I know that I can come home. Still I know that happiness comes from embracing His plan and choosing His light. His light truly casts out even the deepest fear and confusion. Loss is swallowed up in His grace. I believe now more than ever in the healing power of the Atonement, in its ability to mend every wound and give solace to the broken heart. He is there and He knows me.

Hope for a Better World

This morning, as I considered the events that occurred in Charlottesville, I was brought to tears by the hate and anger that were demonstrated in the words and actions of immoral men and women. I thought not only of the victims of the violence that erupted, but also of the fear experienced by those who were the victims of the hateful words and beliefs paraded yesterday. I thought of people of different races, nationalities, and religions, who have long been discriminated against, left once again to be the targets of vitriolic speech.

As I began to despair, I thought back to the recent talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. His talk "Songs Sung and Unsung" was a powerful call for greater empathy. He reminded us that in order for us to truly be followers of Christ, we must first seek to love others and alleviate their suffering. He spoke of the guilt which comes as we speak of our own blessings while many of our brothers and sisters remain in the captivity of poverty and may I add discrimination, mental illness and other temporal burdens. We cannot faithfully sing of the blessings we've been given until we have honorably sought to care for others.

The part of Elder Holland's words that were most powerful to me, and which came to my mind as I thought of the recent hateful attacks, were those concerning the hope that Christ may be in the midst of complex societal issues. He said:

"someday I hope a great global chorus will harmonize across all racial and ethnic lines, declaring that guns, slurs, and vitriol are not the way to deal with human conflict. The declarations of heaven cry out to us that the only way complex societal issues can ever be satisfactorily resolved is by loving God and keeping His commandments, thus opening the door to the one lasting, salvific way to love each other as neighbors."

For those that are suffering, it may seem overly simplistic to say that the solution to their suffering is to love God and keep His commandments. While I myself have seen how the gospel can bless and change lives, I have also seen how suffering continues despite faithful living. But what I see in Elder Holland's words is not only a call for missionary work, but it is a call to love and live as the Savior did.

While on the earth, the Savior had one purpose: to call people to come unto him to be healed and to be saved. Christ did not only teach His gospel and the way of salvation but He showed how to live it by caring for the temporal needs of those around Him. He healed those who were sick, cared for the poor, and demonstrated that he was no respecter of persons. Put simply, He loved His brothers and sisters.

As followers of Christ, we are called upon to love and live as He did. We are to care for and empathize with those who are oppressed and those who suffer. As believers of God, we "might with surety hope for a better world." This hope is meant to be active and I do not believe it is just a promise of salvation in the next life. We are asked to work with God to serve others and help to build this "better world" while we are still on the earth. We promise to use our abilities and talents to build His Kingdom on the Earth through loving others as ourselves. I believe that a part of my purpose on this Earth is to love my brothers and sisters enough to do my part in ending the hate and the violence and the discrimination.

May we begin to listen to others with greater empathy. May we seek to end the damaging forces which keep people in physical, economic, or emotional bondage. May be do what we can to help build a better world.

To My Mother on Her Birthday

It is difficult for me to express all that my mother has been for me. As I think about the ways she has influenced my life, three words stick out to me—inspiration, joy and care.

            My mother has always been my inspiration. She is my example of faith, of courage and of perseverance. She inspires me to be my best self, and encourages me no matter my mistakes. From my mother I learned to trust God and His plan. I learned to seek and listen to revelation. I learned to believe and live according to my belief. My mother is courageous. She is my example of pursuing goals. She inspires me to do what I love and bless others with my talents. She has blessed her family but has also used her passion for teaching to bless many students’ lives. Her inspiring life has touched so many people throughout the world. She taught me what it means to be a strong woman and a caring daughter. She is my inspiration.

            My mother’s laughter and happiness has brightened my home. Her joy is infectious, even on a bad day. Growing up, we could always trust mom to make us laugh. She would play, tickle and laugh with us. I remember so many bad days that were made happy because of my mom’s ability to cheer and comfort. Even now as an adult, mom has an ability to make my life seem better and brighter. I am grateful that she has shown me how love makes you happy. Her love for my dad is shown through the joy she brings to his life. She brings happiness to her family.

            Most importantly, when I think of my mother I think of the way her caring personality has deeply influenced my life. She cares so much for the people close to her. She is the only person I want to talk to when I am sad or lonely. She understands her children and does all she can to care for their needs. Her help and advice have been a guiding force in my life. On my mission, her weekly emails meant so much to me. As a college student, our weekly lunches are such a relief and comfort for me. My mom is loving, caring and sensitive. She has taught me how to love and how to care for those I love.

            I am so grateful for the many ways that my mother has touched my life. Her love has always been a constant for me. I love her so much and I am grateful to know that I am eternally linked to her. Happy Birthday mom!

A Year of New Discoveries

I have been thinking about what to write at the new year for some time now. It has been a year to remember, filled with both happiness and heartbreak. I can't start my new year without expressing my feelings towards the last.

2016 was certainly a year of firsts and new experiences. The beginning of the year was a time of a lot of frustration. I felt stuck on a path that I didn't want to be on and I wasn't happy with the person I was becoming. I knew that is was time to change or continue in my unhappiness. The changes and new experiences started out small, I tried sushi for the first time, I died my hair, I rode on a motorcycle. Eventually the time came that I had to make bigger changes. I discovered passions which led to new plans for my future. New jobs and opportunities to serve helped me to discover interests and talents I didn't know I had. I explored new countries, found new paths for my life and opened my heart up in a way I hadn't before.

My new path was not discovered alone. I fully believe that God brings people into your life when you need them the most. In D&C 88:44 God is speaking of the movements of planets and describing their fixed course in the heavens. He describes their course by  saying, "they give light to each other in their times and in their seasons." God has created and orchestrated the planets to interact at precise times and seasons so that they can give light to each other. In a similar way, God has orchestrated our lives, the seasons of our joy and despair, in such a way that we touch each other's lives for a season and then leave when the time is right. This year I was blessed to meet incredible friends, mentors and inspiring souls who helped me to see windows that I didn't know were opened to me. I am eternally grateful to those people whose lives touched mine.

Of course, with change inevitably comes some hurt. By opening up, at times, I got hurt. I lost myself in an effort to fully give myself to the people I love. I discovered new fears and new lows. Luckily, I have incredible parents and friends who helped to remind me of who I am. Most importantly, I found out the depths of my trust in a loving Heavenly Father. I learned that His light can truly reach every soul.

Ultimately, 2016 was a year I will not forget. I am happy with who I am and the person I have uncovered through the new experiences.

To the people who were a part of my year: thank you. Your influence will not be forgotten.

To the new year: may it be filled with new highs, new lows and even greater discoveries.

Scars

I hate mosquitoes. My blood must be the Nutella of the mosquito world because ever since I was a child I have been harassed to a ridiculous degree by mosquitoes. Not surprisingly, this abuse came to its peak when I willing chose to move to a humid tropical island for 18 months.

In the Philippines I was bitten like crazy. Knowing mosquito affinity for my blood, I came prepared with enough repellent to supposedly repel bugs for a mile but it didn't work. I kept hearing it would get better, just wait it out, eat more garlic, wear tights, put this cream on, etc. My beloved Filipina Nanays would give me every sort of concoction to keep the bugs away and to help my scars heal.Whenever I moved to a new area my beloved Filipinos would look in horror at my white legs covered in bites and scars and suggest some new remedy. Long story short, and many creams later, nothing had changed and I conceded my fate to the mosquitoes, spiders and cockroaches.

Eventually the time came for me to head back to America and I naively assumed that the scars would go away within a couple of months. Until they were faded, I would just hide them away in long pants and tights.

It didn't turn out that way.

I came home and the bites that remained got infected. I eventually went to the doctor, got legitimate medicine to help and the they eventually healed, leaving behind dark scars all down my legs. I had tried to hide the extent of the damage in photos I sent home but now the scars demanded attention. For months after coming home I tried to conceal them. It worked pretty well because the cold weather gave me a reason to cover up but eventually summer came. The time came that I had to decide-- show my scars or die of heat. I chose the former and exposed my scars to the world. At first I felt embarrassed. It really wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be but I felt like everyone was staring at my scars. And the marks just refused to go away!

Time went by and I eventually had to reexamine my thoughts. I began to see my scars, instead, as a reminder. When I saw them I remembered people that I loved, experiences that I cherished and most importantly, the internal spiritual healing that occurred as I developed these outward scars. I grew to love my scars because more than any item or photo, they reminded me of the person I had become and the person I aimed to be.

My visible scars are the result of minimal damage and pain. I realize that other's scars, both visible and not, can come at a much higher price. I meet people who have suffered so much. I read stories of people who have swam oceans to reach safety, lost loved ones in war, or suffer from internal demons that do not seem to go away. We each have scars, some we are too scared to show others. They can serve as painful reminders of suffering, but they also show the power we have to heal.

And that is the beauty I see in scars. Yes, they may be visible signs of previous damage, of pain, of a break, and yet, to me, they are symbols of change. The idea that despite our feelings of hopelessness, we have the power to heal from damage. That which once was incomplete is made whole.

I love my scars, not because they show any sacrifice on my part, but because they remind me that I am human. I am imperfect, and yet there is always the hope of healing. It may take time, wounds may reopen, but we have a lifetime and beyond to get the necessary scars to face our Savior. In 3 Nephi 9 the Savior asks us to offer up a broken heart. He asks each of us, "will you not return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?" Christ has the power to heal us completely but may leave a scar as a reminder of the hope we have to heal and to change.

Our Savior was not ashamed of His scars, it was the way His followers recognized Him. I believe that God sees us with our scars. He gave His son so that we could heal. We can't expect to get by in life without some damage, perhaps we were born with it, but it is our scars that help us to recognize our Savior and be recognized by Him.

Mourn with Those that Mourn

The phrase “to mourn with those that mourn” has been running through my head again and again recently. It is a call from Alma to the followers of Christ as they prepare to enter into the covenant of baptism, found in Mosiah 18:9. I have read it many times throughout my life and I have taught that it is a part of our baptismal covenant. And yet, I am quick to ignore or forget the charge to show empathy. In the chaos that is our lives and despite our attempts at discipleship, we often forget that we have covenanted to show compassion. It is easier to mark off our outward signs of obedience from a spiritual ‘to do’ list than it is to seek empathy for those in distress.

This command to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort has no qualifying statement. It isn’t saying to only comfort those who are easy to get along with. It doesn’t ask to only mourn with those that are the same as you. Instead we are to seek out those with burdens too great to bear on their own, no matter their circumstances. This is what Christ did and what he calls us to do.

            These words first become fixed in my mind this week when they were spoken at a training by a volunteer on the rape crisis team for the area. She was asked why she continues to volunteer and she said that it was her opportunity to mourn with those that mourn. I have been surrounded lately by men and women who do not put up a pretense of being perfect, and yet they strive to reach out to those who are victimized, mistreated, neglected, or forgotten. I see the Redeemer in their actions, even if religion is not their motivation. God does not ask us to change the world, He asks that we simply “mourn with those that mourn.” To me this means refraining from judgement, offering a listening ear, and doing your best to empathize and feel a portion of their pain. No one demonstrated this better than the Savior.

            I, like most people, have been astounded by the number of violent acts occurring around the world. No matter the cause nor the perpetrator of such violence, we are asked to mourn with those affected. In our efforts to have compassion for these victims, we cannot forget to also have compassion upon those within our sphere of influence. There is such a need locally to reach out to the poor, the refugee, the victim, the depressed. Thus, our covenant to show compassion is meant to be for all humankind, but is especially important for those on whom we can and do have an influence.

            I want to share a recent experience concerning a girl I completely admire and love I met in the Philippines. Her name is Amysthea and I was influenced by her example from the first time we met. She was a funny, cheerful girl in her late teens to whom you couldn't help but attach yourself. I later met her entire family and grew to love them all individually. We quickly learned that Amysthea acted as a part time mother for her family. Her father was away working most of the year so Amysthea would cook and sell food in the morning, watch her siblings, disciplining them when necessary, and take care of the house. This was all on top of the necessary hours she spent at school.

I heard from Amysthea this week that things are not going well for her family. Her mother has been in the hospital and has many medical problems. In order to care for her mother, Amysthea and her sister alternate missing days of school to stay at home. This young 19-year-old girl has taken on the role of caretaker for her family, sacrificing her schooling and her time for them.

News about their family came at a time when I was feeling overwhelmed. I was struggling and this news about a beloved family seemed, at first, to be another burden. Suddenly, however, my problems seemed to fade. I felt chastened as the thought to “mourn with those that mourn” came into my mind and I was filled with empathy. I thought of the many times Amysthea had reached out to me, even when her family was under so much strain. She continues to be a light for others and I hope to lightened some of her burden. 

Amysthea showed me what it means to be “willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”As we carry each other’s burdens and find compassion for those in sorrow we follow in the footsteps of our Savior. 

'Just' a Girl

This morning I read this article:

READ THIS

and it really affected me. I have many goals and aspirations, I care about world issues and women's rights and yet, I find that I am constantly apologizing for myself. I am always including qualifiers in my sentences and speaking as if my goals are insignificant. By the way I speak and the things I say few people would identify me as a person of strong opinion or passion.

In my soul I have such ambition and so many plans for my life- education, family, career, and gospel-centered desires, and yet when I try to open my mouth... little comes out. What does come out rarely gives justice to the thoughts in my head. I have often been guilty of saying I am "just" a student, I "just" go to BYU, I am "just" single. I constantly hear women around me apologizing when they have an idea. As I sit and listen to discussions in my classes women are constantly saying "this is 'just' my opinion or 'just' my idea. I just want to get up and say "YOU ARE AWESOME!" and 'YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HAVE AND SHARE IDEAS!" ...but I don't...because I am "just" a girl.

I have to say before I go on that I grew up in an amazing family that knew the value of a woman. Every Sunday dinner that I can remember has ended in a lively discussion on one topic or another and I was never made to feel that my opinion did not count. I grew up with a mother who stood as my role model. She had passions, she cared about the world, but most importantly she cared about her family. In my home, women were respected. My father set the example and my brothers followed. My parents encouraged me to work hard in school and reach for my dreams, whether that was science, engineering, English, sports, anything. I feel blessed to have been raised in such a home.

So why do I still feel this pressure to apologize for my ideas? Why am I still so hesitant to speak up? Those who know me or have talked to me know that I am soft-spoken. From a very young age I have always been more comfortable on the side rather than in the center. As someone who has a lot of ideas this is a very frustrating situation! In the end I am often so frustrated that I didn't say anything. I know that the things I have to say are of worth but I don't speak up.

I realize that I am a mosaic. My lack of verbal skills do not only stem from my society. Clearly not all women are quiet and many women have shared their thoughts which have changed the world. However, there still remains a trend in LDS women that they step back, that they don't say what is on their mind or what is in their heart. Their dreams and goals are not verbalized because of fear.

I also do not blame men. I support the priesthood fully and I do not blame my faith for my silence. I believe that God doesn't want His daughters to be silent. I have no desire to silence any man's voice either. "There is not a zero-sum game being played between men and women in which if women are elevated, then men are debased" (Husdon et al.) Both men and women were placed on the earth to give their thoughts, ideas and inspirations. Both are to blame if one or the other is silenced. Women, like men, have something worth saying and they deserve a voice.

I have been especially inspired this semester by one of my professors. She is one of the most influential and powerful mentors I have ever had as a student and has helped me to realize that I can reach my potential. My desires to change the world and help others are from God and are worthy goals. I know family comes first but I also know that in my life I will help others beyond my own family. She told me to stop apologizing for speaking up and to stop qualifying my thoughts. Through her I am slowly learning that there is a difference between being humble, being Christ-like, and being silent. Obedience and loyalty is different than blind submission. I want other LDS women to realize that their voice is important, vital even. God gives truth to both man and woman, he uses both as instruments in His hands.

And so, to finish, I am making a goal. I want to make it public so as to have all the people I love and know help remind me. I want to speak up! I want to share my opinions. I want to consecrate the talents, thoughts, ideas and inspirations that God has given me to help His children. So no, I am not 'just' a girl. I am a neuroscience major. I want to be a mother. I am a feminist. I have a strong desire to study, to learn and change peoples lives for the better. I am a GIRL and I am a daughter of God.